FAKE NEWS: Sources: Pelosi to declare herself president of the U.S.

Sources who preferred to remain anonymous considered close to Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, have informed Progreso Weekly that Ms. Pelosi is expected to declare herself president of the United States in the following days. The plan to install Pelosi as president was hatched and formulated during the more than a month-long government shutdown recently ended. 

It is expected that Speaker Pelosi will soon call for a press conference. Invited will be leaders of the Democratic Party and others that will include some Republicans not happy with the state of the GOP, as well as leaders of industry and some military and covert government agencies, as well as a contingency of ambassadors from other countires. All are part of the plan. They will gather in front of the Cannon House Office Building and after a brief speech by Speaker Pelosi, she will raise her right hand and before the people of the United States declare herself the legitimate new president of the country.

Progreso Weekly sources have informed that the idea to install the new president has been under way for months. “It is not a spur of the moment idea,” the source, who did not want to be identified because it would mean his/her ouster from leadership in the Democratic Party, said. “This has been in the works since the fall.

“With polls showing that more than 60 percent of the American people disapproving of the job President Trump is doing; with the disaster he has caused on our southern border and other places on the planet; and with the instability the country lives under since his election; Party elders and other stalwarts have decided it is time for a change from this very unpopular president,” he/she added.

At the time of her swearing in, Progreso Weekly has been informed, allied countries such as Canada, Great Britain, France, Germany and others will accept her as the new U.S. president. Most of these countries have already been consulted and have agreed that Trump must go. 

In a secret meeting held in Speaker Pelosi’s spacious congressional office, a Progreso Weekly contributor, who lives in Washington, D.C. and happened to be roaming the Capitol that day, overheard a conversation described as “spine tingling.”

This person managed to record the conversation that although a bit grainy could be largely understood. Here are some excerpts of Speaker Pelosi’s words:

• “Trump is corrupt. So is his family. This country cannot afford to continue with him as president. Something must be done.”

• “America is the greatest democracy in history. We cannot allow it to be destroyed by a charlatan. We must act now. This step will not be taken without a thorough plan… The American people will understand. Surely some of the red-cap-wearing MAGA deplorables will revolt, but we must be ready for them. Actually, Trump has helped with this step we’re about to take. His decision with Venezuela has shown us that American democracy is NOW being re-defined. And the rest of the world better fall in lockstep… We ARE the policemen on the world beat; and what we say goes… because we know better.”

• “Bolton, Sen. Rubio, and that whiny Mario Diaz-Balart will be detained — at least temporarily — until we calm down the situation in the states. Menendez has already been talked to; he was given a good chunk of change and has promised to keep his mouth shut. Most if not all legislators from the state of Florida will be monitored. If any of them fall out of line, or start to cause problems… (the recording was not intelligible here). As for South Florida Cubans and Venezuelans, we are ready to apply the harshest penalties, including deportations — even if it means deporting naturalized citizens.”

During the recording there was reference to the military, but it was hard to understand clearly. But it appeared that Speaker Pelosi warned that this would be the most delicate part of the operation and that the success of her new presidency depended on the country’s armed services. 

The unnamed source also told Progreso Weekly that another worry expressed by those planning this usurpation is the reaction of countries like Russia, China, Brazil and North Korea. Also worrisome, they said, were nations from the Arab World like Saudi Arabia.  

More information will be forthcoming as we receive it. 

Americus Nero is a writer and bon vivant who is hard to pin down. To date, nobody has been able to tell where he really lives, or if he even sleeps. He was last spotted in northern California with friends who live in a leftover commune from the 60s. He writes an occasional Fake News column for Progreso.