FAKE NEWS: Trump to establish new federal department in charge of raking leaves
In the wake of the devastating California forest fires that have killed almost 100 persons, President Donald Trump traveled to the nation’s largest state and declared that as the A+ president (the grade he gave himself during an interview with Fox News) he has decided to establish a new federal department whose function will be to rake leaves in forests around the country.
The Fox News reporter reacted surprised and perplexed with the president’s idea, to which Trump quickly explained that a conversation with Finland’s President Sauli Niinisto led him to his genius idea — “Yes, it’s obvious. I am a genius,” he told the Fox interviewer. During the interview he also said that he was traveling to Pleasure, California. The name of the town in question is Paradise, where the worst of the wildfires began…
Trump added that Finland is a “forest nation,” which brought quizzical looks from the reporter. He continued by emphasizing that Finland has few wildfires because they spend “a lot of time on raking and cleaning.”
Those opposed to our fake news president suddenly began tweeting #RakeNews tweets with a play on words based on his raking solution to the California wildfires.
The Washington Post reported that Trump’s “remarks provoked a fair amount of head-scratching, as Finland’s forestry-management practices are not ordinarily considered germane to the issue of wildfire suppression in the arid West. Niinisto was no less baffled: While he had discussed forest management with Trump, he told the Associated Press, leaf raking had not entered the conversation. Meanwhile, bemused Finns clarified that they didn’t actually spend their spare time raking up leaves in the nation’s forests, and responded with a hashtag: #MakeAmericaRakeAgain. Some posted humorous photos of their rakes.”
Unnamed sources have told Progreso Weekly that Trump is considering transferring current Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos to head the new department because of her apparent brilliance. When questioned on the rumored move of DeVos, Trump seemed upset and asked who the leaker in the White House was. After composing himself, he said he was impressed with DeVos, especially “when she favored guns in schools in order to protect them from potential grizzly bear attacks…”
Adding, “It is that type of initiative that makes my administration so great.”
Americus Nero is a writer and bon vivant who is hard to pin down. To date, nobody has been able to tell where he really lives, or if he even sleeps. Nero was last seen in Key West. He asked to write a Fake News column whenever it dawns on him. Progreso Weekly agreed to accept this first column.
