FAKE NEWS: Wanted: A new White House chief of staff

Just yesterday I received a call from Progreso Weekly’s editor asking me to look into another developing story out of the White House. It appears that President Trump is “super pissed” that he can’t seem to find a chief of staff to replace the outgoing John Kelly.

“Look, I never fired General Kelly,” a source informed me that Trump had told him. “I just asked him to leave; he wasn’t serving my purposes any longer,” he said Trump told him.

“What were his purposes?” I asked my source. 

“It seems the president seems to think that lying is allowed, as long as you are representing Trump,” my source told me. “He is convinced that the Constitution allows him to lie and steal, although he admits he’s never read it. He mentioned Michael Cohen and Paul Manafort as good liars, but weak. Said they would have been good chiefs of staff, ‘if only they’d have the balls…’”

“But they wilted under pressure.”

Apparently the president told my source that he’d love to have Ivanka as chief of staff, but he’s been told not to go there. “It would only bring him another headache,” he was informed

“Too bad,” said the president. “She’d be great. She’s a Trump. Ivanka is one of the finest liars I know. And manipulative… And she’s hot… I know she’s my daughter and I shouldn’t talk like that, but you have to admit she’s a major babe.” 

Sick man, our president…

Here are some of the requirements and qualifications that were sneaked out of the White House in the search for a new chief of staff:

• Must be a proven liar, but one that doesn’t get caught.
• He or she must like MacDonald’s.
• This person must not indulge the president with too much information. Instead, he or she must be willing to sit with the president and watch Fox News, especially Sean Hannity, to catch up on what’s going on in the world.
• The person in question will preferably have blue or green eyes. Most definitely white skin. Born in the United States with Western European ancestry. Blonde hair a plus — even if there’s need to touch up the color every so often.
• Knowledge of proper English is not required. But communications must be in English. Knowledge of some Russian a plus.
• Must be a golfer, but one that won’t beat the boss — even if he or she is better than he is.
• Must be an early starter — meetings will begin promptly at 11 a.m. The day’s work must not go beyond 3:30 in the afternoon. He or she will be allowed 90 minutes for lunch.
• As for weekends (Friday’s are considered ‘social’ and a travel day — for the nearest golf course), President Trump would rather spend them in Mar-a-Lago. His chief of staff should plan to be there with the president and must look good in tacky golf clothing. 
• The chief of staff will, on a daily basis, tell the president how fit he looks, and that all the ladies in the White House think he is adorable (that’s part of why lying comes in handy).
• He or she will inform the world how much Melania really loves the president — in spite of the fact that she has not slept with him in years…

Apparently the paper sneaked out of the White House had been torn in the parts referencing the president’s sons. It was cut off after the word “idiots” making the end of the requirements and qualifications unintelligible.

Americus Nero is a writer and bon vivant who is hard to pin down. To date, nobody has been able to tell where he really lives, or if he even sleeps. We are told that Nero will spend Christmas in northern California with friends who live in a leftover commune from the 60s. He writes an occasional Fake News column for Progreso.