They discovered US?
By Varela
They call October Hispanic Heritage Month because Columbus, looking for a shortcut to India in quest of cinnamon and pepper stumbled on this continent with people of cinnamon- and pepper-colored skin he and his sailors could hump on our hammocks.
New York Italians are unhappy because, according to them, October should be Italian Heritage Month, because Colombus was Italian. But even if Christopher didn’t get Spanish citizenship, at least he wooed (or appealed to, to keep historians happy) Queen Isabel the Catholic of Spain and got her to lend him three ships for his transnational enterprise overseas, something he later called “colonization.”
They say the real navigators were the Pinzón brothers. Uneducated people often mispronounce the name and make it sound like a bad word.
But no matter. Columbus was in the lead ship.
And then they discovered us.
But I don’t know who discovered whom, because the Mayan calendar was better than the Old World’s. Those of us on this side of the pond knew so much astronomy that NASA is still finding planets that we already had named and nicknamed.
We predicted eclipses and hurricanes way in advance, without the need for a Meteorological Institute.
We didn’t have churches either, but we worshiped our gods with our amulets and rites.
True, sometimes we went overboard and, if it didn’t rain, we’d off someone – as an offer or sacrifice – and then it rained. Which suggests that our gods were happy with us, and we didn’t have to go to church on Sundays to pay a tithe to a pedophile priest. If anything, our shamans were into women – a lot.
First thing we knew, the Europeans brought us two sticks at an angle (they called it a “cross”) which we had to worship, otherwise they’d burn us alive instead of putting us in a double boiler, which is a more reasonable way to die of the heat.
In fact, the Spaniards, led by that Italian, brought us – in addition to those boring educational books from the University of Salamanca – syphilis, gonorrhea, genital herpes, and hepatitis B. They enslaved us and forced us to find gold in streams. On top of that, they swindled us by swapping our women for little mirrors and handkerchiefs. By the time we realized we’d been had, our Pocahontas were in Madrid, pregnant by the Europeans and holding Spanish Crown passports.
