FAKE NEWS: Trump to hold secret talks with ‘El Chapo’

Sources are telling us that there was a testy late night discussion in the White House last week between President Donald Trump, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and several high ranking members of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agency regarding the wall the president wants built between the Texas border and Mexico. 

During the meeting Sen. Cruz insisted that “it’s time to pass my EL CHAPO Act. I’ve urged my Senate colleagues to take swift action on this crucial legislation.” He then said, “U.S. prosecutors are seeking $14 billion in drug profits and other assets from El Chapo which should go towards funding our wall to #SecureTheBorder.”

A member of ICE, who was in the meeting, told me that Trump seemed to jump at the Cruz idea, but that an argument ensued between the president and the Texas senator. It appears that Trump liked the Chapo idea so much that he wanted to present it as his own. Sen. Cruz insisted that he should be included since he was the person who originally suggested it. 

During the back and forth between Cruz and the president, Sen. Cruz yelled at the president and claimed the idea as his own. Our sources tell us that the Texas senator said it would be unfair of the president to “steal it” from him. 

After investigating, I confirmed that Sen. Cruz has a valid point. Almost two years ago CNN reported that “Cruz originally introduced the Ensuring Lawful Collection of Hidden Assets to Provide Order Act in April of 2017. It would reserve any ‘illegally obtained profits resulting from any criminal drug trafficking enterprise led by Joaquin Archivaldo Guzman Loera’ for border security measures, which could include a wall.”

But Trump being Trump…

After the meeting, Trump ordered several Big Mac’s delivered to the White House along with three large orders of French Fries and an extra large Vanilla Milk Shake. (We are told he’s not crazy about chocolate — something to do with the color.)

After gulping down the MacDonald’s feast, the president smiled, looked at his profile in the mirror, and told an assistant, “I’m not fat. I don’t know why that doctor on CNN — what’s his name? — insists I’m obese…” He then ordered a secret meeting between himself and Guzman, better known as “El Chapo.”

Last we heard Sen. Cruz was seen yelling in his Senate office and tearing apart a Davie Crockett coonskin hat that had been given to him as a present in remembrance of the Alamo. “The son of a bitch can’t get his hand on money for the f…ing wall and here I go identifying at least $14 billion, and what does he do? He shuts me off…” Cruz screamed at no one in particular, a staffer told us. 

As for the president, we will keep you informed of that meeting Trump wants arranged between himself and the world’s most famous drug lord.

Americus Nero is a writer and bon vivant who is hard to pin down. To date, nobody has been able to tell where he really lives, or if he even sleeps. Just recently he managed to sneak in to the Trump State of the Union address where he was spotted dressed in drag in a stylish white outfit. He writes an occasional Fake News column for Progreso.