The topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald
By Varela
A newspaper whose front page publishes the consequences of someone consuming Viagra with an abnormally rapid heartbeat, while two commissioners in the city they cover resign for problems related to extortion, is not a serious newspaper, it’s the topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald.
I still recall when two local assassins and narco-traffickers were included by the newspaper — before they landed in jail — as part of the city’s illustrious sons, lovers of race boats and philanthropists of the moment. Falcon and Magluta. Another story that comes to mind is the infamous case of the brothers Menendez — who assassinated their father by shooting him — where the newspaper slowly created euphemisms to gently reveal that the dead Cuban father, a porno film producer, went from millionaire producer of adult films to a magnate of the erotic movie genre and finally to businessman in the entertainment industry, as the reporting of the trial continued.
The sad part was that when the Cuban balseros committed crimes against the health care system, the first and last names of the persons involved were prominently reported, including the name of the wife and children. In fact, between the lines and with malice the report would infer that there was a Cuban government connection. But when it came to the brother or son of an illustrious anti-Castro combatant who defrauded Medicaid/Medicare and who had fled the country, there was no news to report. The illustrious anti-Castroite had no sons or brothers.
Notice that the topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald has always received little notice for its sharp readers, who in order to believe surprising news they read, usually ask if the same has been reported in the English version, The Miami Herald. I have a friend who confessed that he read the same news in both newspapers. First, in order to know it better. Later to confirm it. And I assure you that when I worked there I was told by an executive — already retired — that the most read section of the newspaper was my daily editorial cartoon (in other words, readers preferred the joke first and the news later). This was followed by the Walter Mercado horoscope, the crossword puzzle and the lotto results (in that order… readers appreciate laughter, astrology, a simple pastime and gambling).
When I was there, the local section of the topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald was divided into two parts: the sensationalist and the patriotic. In the sensationalist, where you found traffic accidents (always exaggerated) with the crimes of the day (always committed by African-Americans in the black neighborhoods), and in the patriotic, where you read about galas, weddings or toasts for the inauguration of a new anti-Castro organization. An example of the sensationalist news angle: “Spectacular multi-car accident in the Palmetto results in the death of a Pekinese” (it was never specified if it was an immigrant from the Chinese capital or one of those small and hairy dogs; of course it was the dog). The patriotic angle: “Last night, surrounded by friends and the city’s cream of the crop, Margarita Jennifer Del Valle y de la Fuente and Johnny Felippe Lâffërté Méndez-Arteaga were married. Both proud parents, the Del Valle y de la Fuente, owners of the powerful and prosperous Fraoud & Fraoud Bank, and the Lâffërté Méndez-Arteaga, who preside the internationally known Mari & Juana Import/Export, Inc. The illustrious invitees danced and partied most of the night to the unmistakable sounds of our own Willy Chirino with his Ya Viene Llegando (It’s Almost Here) in an ambience where the local flavor and love of country were mixed.” Then when you turned to the following page of the newspaper you saw two large advertisements, one for the Fraoud & Fraoud Bank and the other for the Mari & Juana Import/Export, Inc.
But where the topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald outdid itself in creativity was when it tried covering up the impossible to cover up. For example, “Yesterday our freedom fighter Luis Posada was set free, unjustifiably accused of entering the country illegally with a shipment of bazookas, mortars and C4. As is known, Luis Posada is a man threatened by the Cuban government since they lost a plane because of flawed mechanics and our cancer-stricken freedom fighter was blamed. Like all others in the U.S., he has the right to bear arms in order to defend himself. Signed: Wilfredo Cancio Isla.”
I had to then draw something humorous regarding this story. So I would draw Luis Posada with a basket of flowers, accused of smuggling orchids. But they would censure my caricature. That was the topsy-turvy Nuevo Herald. Or it still is.
