FAKE NEWS: Trump and family agree to be tear-gassed — but only with the ‘minor’ kind
President Donald Trump, who has assured the country that he might be the smartest president ever, issued a statement earlier this week regarding the tear gas being used on desperate migrants — many of them innocent mothers with their children. The president also chided reporters who are calling the canisters chemical weapons and went a step further by insisting that he had studied the matter and that “the tear gas is a very minor form of the tear gas itself, it’s very safe.”
“Huh?!” one reporter responded, dumbfounded by the president’s intelligence.
CNN program host Chris Cuomo, during his Tuesday night show, asked Commissioner of U.S. Customs and Border Protection Kevin McAleenan about the tear gas used against migrants at the U.S.-Mexico border. Here’s a brief synopsis of the question and the answer:
Cuomo: “Is there such a thing as the ‘good kind’ of tear gas?” (Cuomo then interjects that “there’s only one kind of tear gas used… right?”)
McAleenan agrees and answers: “It is standard law enforcement issued. … It is in our equipment inventory…”
Sources close to Progreso Weekly have informed us that when Trump saw McAleenan’s interview on CNN he blew up and yelled: “What an idiot! Doesn’t he known there are different kinds of tear gas we use?” We are being told that Trump is now considering firing McAleenan.
The source also informed Progreso that the president did not feel much pity for the tear-gassed children. Trump explained: “In some cases you know they’re not the parents. These are people, they call them ‘grabbers’, they grab a child because they think they’re going to have a certain status by having a child. You know you have certain advantages in terms of our crazy laws.”
“They don’t deserve our pity,” the president emphasized. He called them “very tough people.” He said that even the little ones were just short gang members and related to drug cartels.
Finally, in an exclusive, Progreso has learned that Trump has offered to undergo, along with family members including their children, tear gassing in the White House, as long as it is “the minor form” of tear gas that is used on them.
“We’re a tough family,” we were told he said. “You’ll see. We may even video tape our tear gassing…” Our source says that at that moment Trump seemed to have another moment of brilliance (the kind he seems to have at all moments), opened his eyes widely and exclaimed:
“Oh my God! Tear gassing of families! That would make a wonderful reality show. I bet you I could make it number one on TV…”
Americus Nero is a writer and bon vivant who is hard to pin down. To date, nobody has been able to tell where he really lives, or if he even sleeps. Nero spent Thanksgiving in Virginia with family members. He will write an occasional Fake News column for Progreso.
